Same-Sex Marriage: USA vs AUS

A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:

“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”

bruno

“Sorry, not allowed.”

May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

ring

“Can’t. Nvm.”

January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

rude

“Good for you.”

March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

wedding

“Homosexuals need not apply.”

July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

MeetMeQuote

“Can’t. Soz.”

October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

juliet

“Government says ‘No!'”

January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

magic

“Not allowed: Illegal.”

September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

love

“Fanx 4 dat.”

May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once. 

gay marriage

USA: 1 AUS: 0

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If Dog Breeds Had Human Equivalents


Dog Breed:
Afghan Hound
Afghan-HoundHuman Equivalent:
A older woman trying desperately to hold on to their looks with botox and make-up, but isn’t fooling anybody.

.

Dog Breed: Australian Kelpie
kelpieHuman Equivalent:
The ADHD kid who goes on to be more successful than you.

.

Dog Breed: Chihuahua
chihuahuaHuman Equivalent:
Short, mean, management type who tries to make up for their short stature by bossing everyone around.

.

Dog Breed: Golden Retriever
Golden_RetrieverHuman Equivalent:
The nice guy who puts in so much effort but always finds himself in the ‘friend zone’.

.

Dog Breed: Doberman Pinscher
dobermanHuman Equivalent:
The cool, bad boy she ends up falling for instead.

.

Dog Breed: Komondor / Puli
KomondorHuman Equivalent:
That one weird, hippie friend of yours who insists on being an individual.

.

 Dog Breed: Jack Russell
jack-russellHuman Equivalent:
The best mate who is always up for anything.

.

Dog Breed: Border Collieborder-collieHuman Equivalent:
The smart one who also is good looking, aka “out of your league”.

.

Dog Breed: DachshunddachshundHuman Equivalent:
That desperate person that you sort of know who always tags along and wants to be your best friend.

 .

Dog Breed: Siberian Husky
siberian_huskyHuman Equivalent:
Ridiculously good-looking celebrities.

.

Dog Breed: Chow Chow
Chow-ChowHuman Equivalent:
Unattractive girls or guys who either wear too much make up or fake-tanning spray and walk around judging everybody.

.

Dog Breed: Pug
pugHuman Equivalent:
Steve Buscemi
steve-buscemi

Bogan Expressions And Their Meanings

Bogan (n.) Aust.
See also: derro, chav, redneck, westie, white trashyourself, etc.

Adventures in loserville-7

Shiraz was a strapping, handsome, young lass.

Bogan expressions and their meanings:

“Bum us a durry, bro.”
Would you mind if I inspect and partake in use of one of your tabacco-related products?

“Where’s ya missus at?”
You are often sited with a female companion. Pray tell, where is your fair maiden at this hour?

“Oi!”
Excuse me, kind sir / madam.

“Waddaya talkin’ ’bout?”
I’m sorry, please forgive my ignorance, but I don’t quite understand.

“Waddaya reckon?”
I’d be very interested to know your thoughts on the subject.

“You’re talkin’ shit!”
Such embellishments in your story have led me to believe your information is inaccurate.

Adventures in loserville-14

Shiraz and Chardonnay settled their disputes in a playful, violent manner.

“Show us ya tits.”
Hello, I’m a pervert.

“Piece o’ piss, ay.”
I find this task to be slightly less challenging in nature than perhaps you had envisioned. It shall be completed in a timely fashion.

“Chuck us a beer.”
Would you be so kind as to hand me a suitable alcoholic beverage? Or, if the fancy takes you, I will even allow you to toss it whimsically toward me in a safe and friendly manner.

“The gummymint wont gimme me money.”
My current circumstances, at this point, have lead me to rely on the welfare system set up by our democratic leaders in order to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it appears an error has occurred this week as my financial benefits have not yet been processed. I’m quite perplexed and, dare I say it, annoyed.

“Fark off, mate!”
I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Adventures in loserville-4

#FreeSchapelle

Diets: You’re Doing It Wrong

The two biggest fears a person can face are dying and dieting.
As most of us often avoid dying on a daily basis, it is usually the concept of dieting that people struggle with.
New diets have been put in place for those people who have an intolerance to balanced eating and / or exercise.

If for whatever reason, you find that you need to go on a diet, this guide may or may not help you to know how to best approach a number of diets.

avocado-cartoon-egg-funny-love-text-pictures

Staples of the The Hipster Diet often include overpriced avocados, poached eggs, and drinking out of jam jars.

DIET: Lemon detox
Find the least enjoyable, most sour fruit available, add some spice and then pretend it has the nutritional value of all other fruits, vegetables and meats combined.

DIET: Atkins
Tell yourself you can have bacon and eggs for breakfast every morning but then realise you are also being told to avoid nasty carbohydrates such as fruit. A recipe for success.

DIET: Paleo
Ignore modern technology and discover why no one wants to invite you out to dinner anymore.

DIET: Juice detox
Blend vegetables and fruits together until they become an undrinkable brown concoction. Repeat until you miss solid foods.

DIET: Gluten free
Pay three times as much for a loaf of bread that is half the size and twice as dense.
Unfortunately this diet involves giving up all the best foods around, including but not limited to play dough.

DIET: Raw foods
An excellent choice if you can’t be bothered cooking. Handful of nuts for dinner, anyone?

DIET: Subway diet
Continue to eat at an established food chain every day. Repeat until you have lost a significant amount of weight and gained a national sponsorship deal.

DIET: 5:2 Diet
Eat like a normal person five days a week, and cry on two non-consecutive days every week.

Bon appétit!

A Tight-Arse Guide To Living

Sometimes the best things in life are free. But most of the time shit is expensive.
For this reason, this guide has been created.

poor

How to become less poor*:

Sometimes when life is treating you right, you can come across a public toilet or venue that does not securely store their toilet supplies. Toilet paper rolls can easily be stashed in a large bag and will keep your costs down.
I also find that wearing a safety hi-visibility vest allows you to walk into many storage closets to take necessary items without much notice from others.

Stealing other people’s lunches from the communal fridge at work is a classic. (Or at least bits of each of them so no one catches on.) I find that storing a container with your own name on it in the fridge makes people less likely to suspect you as the culprit and also provides you with a bowl for your treasured finds.

Most communal fridges also contain a 2 litre bottle of milk. By pouring the milk into your large non-see-through drink bottle before you leave, you are ready for tomorrow’s breakfast without any fuss.

5dollar

On a night out in the town I like to offer to go order the drinks when in a group. People will hand you over money and their order and are usually not surprised when you hand back so little change as alcohol prices can be ridiculous.

I also often like to be the designated driver. However, asking people for petrol money can be embarrassing sometimes. After all, no one wants to appear cheap. I find that waiting until you take the drunken masses back home usually results in more generous offers. If you have more than one group of friends, you can usually make extra cash by being a driver on Friday night with one lot and Saturday with the others.

cropped-adventures.jpg

Public libraries can be an invaluable source of free internet, DVDs and funny smells. During the Christmas period, I like to delicately cut out a few pages from a number of books. This creates funky, kitsch wrapping paper for any shitty re-gifted presents I give out. By only selecting non-vital pages like a contents page or blank pages at the back, and using a sharp blade to conceal any tampering, no one is likely to report any faults with the book.

Also at Christmas I like to send my friends and family cards in envelopes with a fake name and address on the front and their real address on the back. Without a stamp attached, it eventually gets delivered to them via the ‘return to sender’ procedure.

spend

And of course lastly, who can forget the wonderful free-for-all that is a common house party. Arrive with nothing; move a few drinks to a different location and write your name on the packaging as if they are yours. Take the pen you wrote it with. Discreetly stash some cutlery. Eat the food and take some with you. Add your name on a card before you leave if there are unopened gifts for the host’s birthday, etc. Take the batteries out of the TV remote. Swipe the soap from the bathroom. Feel what it is like the live like the other half.

*By using this guide you could literally save hundreds of cents each year and all it will cost you is your basic sense of decency.

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

cropped-adventures.jpg

The Plus Side Of Getting Older

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/11706/9-plus-sides-of-getting-older

The Plus Side Of Getting Older

  • No one expects you to stay out late.

As you have gotten older and realised that a good mattress is the key to not waking up with a bad back, you start to appreciate any good night of rest you can get.

  • You discover the amazing mealtime known as brunch.

You start to replace fast food with actual food and begin a wild love affair with every cafe that offers an all-day breakfast menu.

  • Comfort takes over style.

Casual Friday starts creeping a little more into other days of your week and you begin to embrace the fact that because you are closer to 40 than to 20, most people aren’t expecting you to be sexy anyway.

  • You realise high school did not matter.

You have let go of your vision of turning up to your high school reunion having become wildly rich and powerful.
You are now no longer afraid to run into people you went to school with because, thanks to the magic of Facebook, you already know that they have been as equally unsuccessful in life as you.

  • You don’t feel guilty when indulging.

Watching your weight has literally taken a backseat as you begin to let yourself go a little.
One cannot simply have a coffee without first ordering a slice of cake.

  • Work isn’t so bad.

Having spent your life working around dickheads and sucking up to executives jerks, you start to enjoy any time not spent with these people instead of stressing out about the next interaction.

  • You are willing to pay more to not be uncomfortable.

Gone are the days when you would cheap out and stay in a crappy hostel dorm with several of the smelliest travelers, from now on whenever you travel, you will be doing it fabulously.

  • You discover that paradise is a Good Ol’ Sit Down

At one time in your life, sitting around on your ass would have been the most boring activity imaginable. Nowadays you can’t wait to leave work or any social event to get home, sit back, kick up your feet and relax.
And better yet, no one can tell you not to.

  • The only thing closer to death than you, is any sense of shame you once possessed.

What’s that? You want to pay for your groceries entirely using coins from your savings jar? Go for it!
And now you’ve decided you’ve waited too long in this queue and want to be next? Move on up.
You’re old dammit. You’ve earned this.
Besides, you’ve already lived longer than any of these idiots around you, they should be grateful for everything your generation gave them.
Read my wrinkles: DILLIGAF?