A Tight-Arse Guide To Living

Sometimes the best things in life are free. But most of the time shit is expensive.
For this reason, this guide has been created.


How to become less poor*:

Sometimes when life is treating you right, you can come across a public toilet or venue that does not securely store their toilet supplies. Toilet paper rolls can easily be stashed in a large bag and will keep your costs down.
I also find that wearing a safety hi-visibility vest allows you to walk into many storage closets to take necessary items without much notice from others.

Stealing other people’s lunches from the communal fridge at work is a classic. (Or at least bits of each of them so no one catches on.) I find that storing a container with your own name on it in the fridge makes people less likely to suspect you as the culprit and also provides you with a bowl for your treasured finds.

Most communal fridges also contain a 2 litre bottle of milk. By pouring the milk into your large non-see-through drink bottle before you leave, you are ready for tomorrow’s breakfast without any fuss.


On a night out in the town I like to offer to go order the drinks when in a group. People will hand you over money and their order and are usually not surprised when you hand back so little change as alcohol prices can be ridiculous.

I also often like to be the designated driver. However, asking people for petrol money can be embarrassing sometimes. After all, no one wants to appear cheap. I find that waiting until you take the drunken masses back home usually results in more generous offers. If you have more than one group of friends, you can usually make extra cash by being a driver on Friday night with one lot and Saturday with the others.


Public libraries can be an invaluable source of free internet, DVDs and funny smells. During the Christmas period, I like to delicately cut out a few pages from a number of books. This creates funky, kitsch wrapping paper for any shitty re-gifted presents I give out. By only selecting non-vital pages like a contents page or blank pages at the back, and using a sharp blade to conceal any tampering, no one is likely to report any faults with the book.

Also at Christmas I like to send my friends and family cards in envelopes with a fake name and address on the front and their real address on the back. Without a stamp attached, it eventually gets delivered to them via the ‘return to sender’ procedure.


And of course lastly, who can forget the wonderful free-for-all that is a common house party. Arrive with nothing; move a few drinks to a different location and write your name on the packaging as if they are yours. Take the pen you wrote it with. Discreetly stash some cutlery. Eat the food and take some with you. Add your name on a card before you leave if there are unopened gifts for the host’s birthday, etc. Take the batteries out of the TV remote. Swipe the soap from the bathroom. Feel what it is like the live like the other half.

*By using this guide you could literally save hundreds of cents each year and all it will cost you is your basic sense of decency.