A Guide To Survival In Australia

Australians are a tough people. They have to be. They live alongside some of the deadliest animals on the planet and are pretty much trapped inside the country unless they can afford a plane ticket or a cruise and they also play tennis and cricket in 42° Celsius heat (eqv. to 1 million° Fahrenheit) .
aus 2

Australia is a land of extremes. Meaning you have to be extremely careful. It’s national emblem contains a boxing kangaroo and a bird that is so large in size that it can’t even fly (not to be confused with that other Australian flightless bird that can kill a person using it’s foot).

If you, like many other convicts, have decided to take a trip down under, take care.
There are a vast array of ways to die in Australia to suit all tourists, but if you wish to return home, please use the following guide to keep you safe.

How To Stay Alive:

  1. Don’t go in the water
    Apart from the friendly Great White Shark, a plethora of marine life is just waiting for you to dive in.  This includes the highly venomous Irukandji Jellyfish, which thankfully is about the size of a human fingernail making it more than easy to spot in moving water.aus 5
  2. Don’t trust anyone
    Hitchhiking has been a favourite pastime for many unsuspecting statistics. A good idea is to look at a map of Australia before you get here and realise that the country is really f*#king big.
    Travelling from Sydney to Ayres Rock, Uluru? No worries, just start the car and drive for two days straight non-stop.
    It is a good idea to try not to look like a tourist as this will avoid the annoyance of being targeted by would-be madmen.  Tourists are often identified by wearing large backpacks, calling Melbourne ‘mel-BORN’ (as oppsed to MEL-bun) and saying things like “Let’s visit Canberra.”
    Possibly the safest option for getting around is your choice of any of the feral camels in the outback. Don’t worry, they don’t spit their saliva all over you, instead it’s just semi-digested stomach contents.aus 3
  3. Don’t walk inside and around buildings
    If you decide at any point to take your shoes off before entering a house and consequently leave them unattended, assume that they are now home to a typical deadly spider like the Redback (again about the size of a human fingernail, so quite easy to detect deep inside a shoe). And don’t worry, other deadly spiders like Funnel-Webs are usually only found in obscure places like Sydney, The Blue Mountains and other highly-populated areas and their bite is only dangerous towards mammals such as primates and human beings.aus 6
  4. Don’t walk outside
    Venomous snakes are fortunately only found in tropical areas, inland areas, coastal areas, and every state and territory in Australia.aus 1
  5. Understand the language
    Koala are not bears at all and so should not be referred to as such, instead they are marsupials rife with chlamydia which they like to spread to tourists by urinating on them.
    And lastly: If someone tells you to wear thongs, for God’s sake, do not turn up in a G-string.

aus 4
Australia: Whatever doesn’t kill you, probably doesn’t live here.

Advertisements

Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

read flag 3

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

red flag 2

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

hello

For others, help comes all too late.

Getting Ready For Christmas: A Realistic Guide

Being prepared for Christmas is important. Unfortunately, for most of us, Christmas is something we are never really prepared for. It sneaks up on us. One day we are out minding our own business in the shops when BAM! A Christmas carol blasts over the speakers. The next thing you know you turn around and see a stand for Egg Nog casually displayed as if we all know exactly what Nog is. Just when we were ready to whip out our thongs and sunnies and relax, we realise that we have so much to do. Oh, if only Christmas would just fall on the same date each year, then we would be ready.

christmas 1

Using this guide, you can ensure that when Christmas looms you can be just as ready as the next person. That is, being under-prepared, throwing shit together at the last minute, remembering why you don’t visit your family more often and desperately needing of a holiday at the end of it all.

Just follow these simple steps and you will survive Christmas. Barely.

christmas 2

Step 1.

Buy enough Christmas cards to accommodate for all of your family, friends and distant relatives. This will make you feel like you are ‘on top of it all’. Feel free to disregard the fact that you don’t know the addresses of most of these people. You probably wont get around to sending them anyway and they will be placed in the ‘For Next Christmas’ pile at the back of your storage cupboard, along with remnants of old wrapping paper. At best you may wish to set a reminder on your phone to send Facebook messages to your relatives and friends closer to the date. This can be ignored at your leisure whilst feeling like you are organised. It will most likely go off when you are completely stress and don’t have any time.

Step 2.

Attempt to do some early Christmas shopping to beat the rush. This method helps you to ration out your spending and be more thorough with your gift choices. However, you will soon realise that you were not the only one to have this idea. Fighting for a parking spot is a Christmas tradition so get into the spirit early by stalking other shoppers in your car as they make their way back to their vehicle. Or, if you prefer simply idle in your car inconveniently in the middle of the lane whilst you wait for someone to leave. You are sure to hear some Christmas cheer from fellow drivers.

christmas 3

Step 3.

The nicest thing about buying a real Christmas tree is the scent of pine throughout the house as the pine needles scatter their way into every corner and become embedded in the carpet. It also encourages extra vacuuming which keeps everybody happy.
Old plastic trees also create a sense of fun as everybody searches for the all-important missing parts for the stand.

Step 4.

Decorating the house with lights is as simple as plugging in the power in the garage and turning on the old lights you didn’t bother taking down last year. Otherwise get out that old ladder and tempt fate as you reach out across the guttering with a $10 bucket of fairy lights.

christmas 4

Step 5.

Stepping out to attempt to buy presents again without a list may lead you to becoming that creepy person asking young sales assistants “Do young girls like these?” Best to just write down which gift cards that are most likely to not throw away. If they are under 25, just buy gift cards for those i-pod-whati-its and move on. If they are over 25, throw in some socks and a book of some sort to make it look like it has that personal touch. If anyone has stated ‘Don’t bring a thing’ to their Christmas party, give them exactly what they asked for. It will save you time and money, and just imagine the surprise on their face when they see you have obediently turned up empty-handed.

Step 6.

If you convinced yourself you would be able to host the family Christmas lunch, get ready early by going to the ham raffles at the local bowls club. Winning a hamper or a leg of ham could be the only helpful thing you receive this Christmas. Otherwise, start buying frozen shit that looks fancy that you can thaw out the day before. Be sure to buy some sprigs of various herbs or berries or whatever and garnish it like you mean it.

christmas 5

Step 7.

Christmas crackers are a great way to share a bad joke amongst the family and also to create further mess around your home. But through all the excitement you mustn’t forget to remember the reason you have all come together. Take a quiet moment during your feast to celebrate the birth of baby Santa or whatever.

christmas 6

Step 8.

When it is all over boxing day is a time when everyone comes together to return unwanted gifts at the shops. If you are lucky, you may be able to make some money back. But if you are like most people, you will just have a pile of chocolates surrounding you and only one delicious way to get rid of them all.

Step 9.

Nominate and encourage someone else to host the family Christmas lunch next year. If you are successful in persuading someone you can guarantee that next year, you will be able to have the best Christmas ever.

christmas 7

Step 10. 

Batteries and additional step not included.

Check-out Chic

Let me check you out.
No, really.
Please dump your $2.50 bag of unwashed potatoes on the conveyor belt and watch as I pick it up and move it from my right-side to my left-side.

It’s a highly dangerous, high-flying job and I’ve become awfully good at it. And when I say awfully good, I mean to say is it’s an awful thing to become good at. It is of course neither dangerous nor professional, and even idiots who can’t spell RSI can do it. Trust me, I’ve met them.

I didn’t always dream of becoming a check-out chick, instead I had self-esteem and some sort of belief that things would never get that bad.

walmart
In Year Three at school I was a superstar. I often reminisce about it; that time when I found out I was good at archery because after five attempts I actually hit something other than the giant boulder behind the board itself. I knew then that I was destined for greatness. I was going to be a successful, cashed-up archer in the manner of Robin Hood, with slightly less style and significantly less courage and intention for goodwill.

I had held onto this dream all through my schooling life and of course, like any good dream, I did nothing to aid in the actual furtherance of it, stubbornly believing that natural talent ought to do its own thing, with no discernible effort on my part.

walmart 3

It’s the same old story though, isn’t it? High schooler graduates and cannot possibly foresee any future aside from living in parents basement and/or partaking in a series of menial jobs until unexpected lotto win.

Unquestionably terrified of the first option, and too impatient to wait out the second, like a natural-born businesswoman I managed to secure a casual position with a well-respected supermarket chain. ‘Well-respected’ in this instance, of course, simply means said company has a budgetary allowance so huge they can, and do, pay obscure, otherwise unsuccessful bands a nauseating amount of money to write jingles that are with you until you’re knocking at death’s door, begging for some earplugs. (Aisle five, if you’re interested).

Fast-forward three years and here I am. I haven’t changed much with the exception of a few impulsive ‘I-need-a-change-in-life’ hairstyles; however, I have been witness to most of my colleagues going through puberty right beside me and then of course, moving on to something better. Meanwhile I’ve been in charge of wiping baby vomit off the registers at least twice, but I’m not sure if that can be grouped under the same category of moving up in life.

Everyday is a revolving door of the same people buying the same things, asking them the same questions (“Are you paying by card today?”) and hearing the same answers (Most people: “Yes.” Every senior citizen: “No”). Our duty, should we choose to accept it, is to refrain from passing judgement on every transaction we process. We stand smiling politely as customers pay for their shopping even though it totals more than our weekly wage. We hand over cigarettes to people who look like they have already passed their own used-by date. We pretend not to notice your children man-handling the chocolate display we tidied moments ago, and we assume that when you can’t pay the full amount, those two bottles of Coke were obviously essential items as opposed to the bag of dog food you have asked to leave out.
walmart 2

All in all, it’s not easy being customer-service-officer-in-charge-of-transactions. It’s a fast-paced job, with a never-ending queue of people desperately needing our services. Yes, you may refer to us as ‘checkout chicks’ but we are so much more than that. Yes, we could essentially be replaced by an automated computer system, but as long as there are junkies attempting to shoplift and unexpected items in the bagging area then we will continue to step up the plate to serve you. It’s a hectic place where no two days are the same.

Actually, everyday is almost exactly the same.
Have you ever stood in the same exact place for four hours straight?
I have.
It’s called being at work.

Now hand me your microwavable nuggets so I can go home.

.

Why Cafe Culture Is More Fun In Theory

Lately there has been a rise in ‘hipster’ culture which is basically a term for cashed-up hobos or people who use words like ‘dapper’ and have ironic moustaches. With this, we have seen a particular style of cafe culture gaining popularity. It has brought with it a unique blend of mismatched furniture, chalkboard art, jam jars sans jam and various other ‘kitsch’ things we never knew we enjoyed. Apart from it’s charming trend of being splendidly expensive, there are aspects of this movement that are not as fun as they appear. These have been listed below and are entirely gluten-free for your convenience.

cafe1

Chopping Board Plates
Whilst having that authentic, “straight from the herb garden and into the kitchen” look, it makes for difficult eating. It just takes one over-eager push of the knife to send the entire contents off the abrupt edge of the chopping board. #classy

cafe2

Good luck with that

Jars To Eat And Drink From
Because apparently bowls and cups are just not effective enough. The idea to recycle (or ‘up-cycle’ as it is referred to for no real reason by the non-plebs), as obviously every bowl and cup would ordinarily be thrown out after a single use. #organic

Tastes as good as it looks

Tastes as good as it looks

An Assortment of Pre-Loved Furniture
Often referred to as rustic as opposed to cost-effective, these cafes have an array of stools, school desks, barrels and limp bean bags for you to park your buns. Take your pick quickly or your coffee date will choose the least uncomfortable option first. #style

cafe3

Small ‘Niche’ Spaces
These cafes are often set up literally within a niche and so to enter you must fight your way through a gauntlet of prams and women with yoga pants and over-sized sunglasses. #fitspo

cafe5

Seemingly Gourmet Menus
The menu received at one of these cafes generally will contain more flowery words than a botanist guide. What other way could you describe succulent leg ham carved off the bone, layered between slices of rich, melted colby all served on toasted sourdough with olive oil butter? #hamandcheesetoastie

cafe6

I’ll take it!

It seems however, that hipster cafes have decided to stay with one thing after all often incorporated into traditional coffee establishments, that is of course the tip jar.

cafe7

Why High Fashion Is A Bad Look

High fashion is a particularly bad look. You just know the runway models are dying inside, if not from starvation, certainly from having to wear things that don’t even resemble clothes. Lady Gaga herself wouldn’t even touch some of these. Take for instance this lovely number:

fashion 1And who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in this:

fashion11

Nipples on mannequins have also been on the increase. Please tell me why we need this. I feel very uncomfortable noticing peoples nipples poking out at me when in public, why make me see this displayed on clothes I am expected to buy? This just screams couture:
fashion6

The price tag is another thing. Why I am looking at a plain white T-shirt that costs more than I make in a day? And who is going to boutiques to buy a plain white T-shirt? Although this is definitely a must-have:
fashion7

Had a busy day shopping? Nail salons have now become a fashionable establishment. They have popped up everywhere offering pedicures for the truly lazy rich sophisticated whilst only costing you the life of one salon employer who will inevitably die from overexposure to toxic fumes. There is nothing demeaning about this scene:

fashion2

I have also never understood the obsession people have with shoes. I get that feet are ugly and I am all for not seeing anybody’s toes, but some shoes are just not worth the effort. But then again, who doesn’t need a pair of these:
fashion3And I can’t deny that I have always wanted to achieve that ‘hoof’ look:
fashion4But for now, I better get going and make my way down to 5th Ave before this sells out:

fashion9
I better run though, might put my joggers on:
fashion8Oh, and I’ll wear a hat too, just to be stylish:
fashion10
Wouldn’t want to look stupid.

fashion5

Nailed it.

 

A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Commercials For Sanitary Products

periodTo whom it may concern on the Advertising Regulations Board.

It is with great discomfort that I express my concern regarding several television commercials I have had the misfortune of coming across, sometimes unexpectedly in the night, over the past few years. I believe there has been an overflowing and widespread trend promoting false advertising around products for female menstruation clogging up my television screen. I refer here, of course, to the various commercials you broadcast for companies manufacturing so-called ‘sanitary napkins’.
Every time I view them I see red! I wish to have better protection from these misleading images leaking further into society. I have, rather indiscreetly, listed below the individual qualms I hold against these advertisements and the measures I feel should be taken in order to present a realistic and accurate depiction of these products and their function.

period1

My first issue with the plastic sponge or ‘pad’ commercials lies with the actors portraying what it is like to be on one’s period. It is evident when viewing that there is not nearly enough groaning, bloating, excessive eating, wind problems and general anger at the world shown which, I feel, makes it confusing as to when this product is needed. May I perhaps suggest showing a woman with a pronounced pimple developing on her chin, who clearly hasn’t had enough sleep, yelling “THIS BETTER NOT GO ON TV!” and then cutting to a shot of her crying. This may set up a more relate-able context for audiences as opposed to showing someone simply rubbing their forehead, slightly discomforted during a routine bike ride.

The bike-riding image in itself is very misleading. I ask you Sir(s), have you ever put your vagina onto a bicycle seat wearing what is basically a giant, post-it style nappy built for your own gushing uterus contents? Where is all the wedgie-picking footage? And why are all these white pants shown to be completely unsoiled?

post-it

Post-its: NOT a substitute for sanitary products.

There are other advertisements circulating showing a blue liquid being poured into sanitary napkins to simulate absorbency. I feel this does not allow viewers to make an informed decision on the product as I have been told by many women that in fact blood rather than Powerade is most commonly found to be spewing out of their nether region at that time of the month. In affect, by presenting the effectiveness of a pad for soaking up coloured water this rather misguided approach may mislead viewers into thinking that the much more convincing ‘ShamWow!’ is really what they need down there.

shamwow

ShamWow!: NOT a substitute for sanitary products

When promoting the addition of ‘wings’, the advertisers also fail to state that these ‘flaps’ are clearly just made to stick to the pad itself or at best, an inner thigh.

period2

The general public has been lied to enough and we should not be left to figure out for ourselves which particular brand of pad will crumple up and be rendered useless in the night and which will become dislodged while dancing and stick to our ass cheeks. I urge you to pass on these suggestions to the associated advertising companies responsible and see to it that these revisions are made. The failure to present actual, accurate information and instead being constantly bombarded with buzz-words like ‘body-conforming’ (ie. Shovels up into ass crack the first time bending over) and images of people at the beach (ie. Should not be attempted in conjunction with product shown) makes me feel irritable, moody, grumpy, hungry and want to curl up in bed and call in sick to work.

I don’t want to get my knickers in a knot but this whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Please rectify effective immediately.

Yours sincerely,
Iva Cramp

bike