What People Think Lesbians Do

What My Friends Think I Do:

I spend my nights making-out with other women in nightclubs, getting the attention of all the men in the room. When a guy finally approaches my group of friends, I fist-pump him and talk about sports.

What Men Think I Do:

I wake up next to my best friend who I accidentally slept with last night. Naturally, we are both in lingerie and can’t keep our hands off each other. Luckily, we don’t need our memory as an aide for recalling what happened because it’s all recorded on camera.
And to think it all started with a pillow fight.

What Religious Groups Think I Do:

After brainwashing troubled teens down a path of homosexuality, I gather people en masse in a brazen attempt to destroy the sanctity of marriage.
Before winding down for the night with an adult movie, I burn the bible.

What My Mum Thinks I Do:

I throw on my ripped flannelette shirt, after downing a beer and head down to the tattoo parlour to meet my bikie friends. They will try to convince me to shave my gorgeous hair off.

What Society Thinks I Do:

I read my feminist novels at the local organic vegan café in preparation for the bra-burning festival I will be attending later that day.

What I Think I Do:

I go about my day as a sophisticated, modern woman; in control of my life and my decisions.

What I Actually Do:

Write this blog.

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First-World Lesbian Problems

  • Sharing a wardrobe.
  • Having to explain to straight people that neither of you is the ‘man’ in the relationship.
  • Having to decide whether to chop off your hair and be recognized as a lesbian, or keep your hair long and be assumed straight.
  • Listening to one of your family members awkwardly refer to your partner as your ‘friend’ or ‘roommate’.
  • Having to converse with a work colleague who keeps casually mentioning Ellen Degeneres as a way of trying to tactfully decipher your sexuality.
  • Being asked by acquaintances, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
  • Knowing that the L Word character you like the most is not the same character you are most like.
  • Getting distracted by porn every time you Google anything remotely lesbian related.
  • Never knowing if it is yet safe to drop the word ‘she’ in, after continually using the gender-neutral term “my partner.”

  • PMS:  Pre-Menstrual Synchronisation.
  • Trying to slink out of a room when the discussion topic suddenly becomes “How do lesbians have sex?”
  • When saying “my girlfriend and I”, wondering if the person listening understands you mean partner and not a ‘girl friend’.
  • Consistently finding yourself attracted to the only straight girl at the gay bar.
  • Having to again listen to a man ask the disgustingly inevitable; “Can I watch?”
  • Wearing your girlfriend’s wedgie-inclined pair of underwear by mistake.
  • Deciding what your kids will call each of their mums to avoid confusion.
  • Trying to participate in a conversation with your straight friends about “that hot guy with the dimples.”
  • Australia’s biggest first-world problem: Tony Abbott.

Recollections Of Our First Date

Version 1: Once upon a time…

Having spent hours cleaning my house, it was now sufficiently ready for female company.

Let me give you the grand tour:

At the doorway I planted a simple but loving welcome message on a post-it. Just to brighten her day.

I made a point to make my living area look particularly spacious by rearranging some furniture. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible.

To set the mood, I had some incense burning in a small corner of the front room.

Emphasising my domestic flair, I had displayed a wonderful selection of  the finest condiments from my pantry.

I was sure she would be impressed by the blossoming greenery of the large communal backyard.

To the left, was the bedroom where I anticipated most of the night’s activities would take place…

After courting and wooing her via text message, she was finally here.

Version 2: Happily never after…

Having spent hours rummaging through my wardrobe, I was now ready for the company of one lucky female.

Let me give you the grand tour:

Upon entering, I immediately stepped on something sticky.

I looked around at the hallway. Evidenty this was the living / dining / lounge room. I use the term ‘lounge’ loosely as it encompasses the single-mattress-on-the-floor-with-a-cushion-against-the-wall combination that seemed to be the primary form of seating and the main table of the household.

It was clear she made no attempt to set a romantic mood. I caught a wafting smell in the house and assumed something had died there recently. Possibly the previous occupant.

I walked two steps to the kitchen area, or rather, the corner which included a semi-functioning oven and a salvaged bookshelf-turned-pantry consisting mainly of chicken salt seasoning sachets.

I looked out the window, only to see a sad tuft of weeds and a crooked clothesline.

To the left was the bedroom. (Clearly the least active room in the house.)

After numerous, harassing text messages, I had finally agreed to come here.

10 Reasons Why She Didn’t Text You Back

    1. Upon opening your text message she remembered a comment you had made in a fight six months earlier. Angry and bitter, she decided it wasn’t yet time to move on.
    2. You texted her during her beauty regime; an unspecified time of day when she is completely unreachable by any forms of communication (satellites, email, yelling outside the bathroom door).
    3. Your text failed to reach the average word length of a sentence and she refused to acknowledge it as conversation.
    4. Since you two are in love, she assumed you should already know the answer.
    5. She read “Your hot” and waited for you to finish your sentence. You never did.
    6. She strategically planned out how she would respond. Following a lengthy and elaborate thought-process, she knew exactly what she was going to say. When she finally had the perfect message she smiled at it with great satisfaction and put her phone away, forgetting to send it.
    7.There was a 20-30 minute delay between her last text and yours, and therefore it was only right for her to assume that you had stopped loving her. In an attempt to seem indifferent and unmoved by your blatant neglect she made an effort to appear busy.
    8. You didn’t sign off your previous text with ‘x x x’. Irrespective of the roses you had sent her that very morning, she made no allowance for your sloppy, unpardonable behaviour.
    9. When she texted “Did I look fat this morning?” Your response “You looked fine” was not the “Of course not. You are not fat, you never have been and you never will be” that she was looking for.
    10. You referred to her as ‘Dude’.

House Rules

In light of recent events (the greater majority to do with gas problems and particular wafting smells), I present to you a list of house rules.

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1. No extreme swearing. Such behaviour is only acceptable when making known to others the places, people, objects, food stuffs, smells, celebrities, bad hair days, and general elements of the world that we dislike and/or are allowed to critique.

2. The walk-in pantry can only be used as a hiding spot in the event of

  • Natural disaster
  • Apocalypse
  • Determined salespeople

If one wishes to use the pantry as a naughty corner or place of wallowing, a sign must be placed on the door reading ‘Pondering of life in progress. Do not knock unless offering of hug or high-calorie sweet treat will occur thereafter.’

If person inside pantry is mislead and is instead offered fruit or other food that does not induce sugary happiness, all condiments inside the pantry can be consumed without question, suspicion or consequence. What happens in the pantry, stays in the pantry.

3. All smells must be spoken of. If smell in question is smelt and then smeller of smell refrains from speaking of it, that smell is then void. Naming and shaming smells will contribute to the overall maturation of a smell-free, Tropicana-like environment.

4. Respect and love the house as if it is your first born. Give it your whole-hearted attention, especially on rainy days where it will be feeling inadequate and under the weather. This respect can be shown in a number of ways – a friendly smile or an encouraging pat on the back door, some general words of appreciation.

Beware though, for giving the kettle too much attention can often result in things boiling over.

5. A fortune cookie once told me that cleanliness is next to godliness, and it’s common knowledge that to ignore a cryptically written message placed inside a baked good would be akin to using toilet paper with less than three ply. Both surfaces just end up dirty and brown.

The process of ‘cleaning’ cannot be categorized as the following: half-hearted wiping of surfaces with a dry napkin, brushing of crumbs to a different corner of the bench-top, and hiding of disregarded rubbish under life-size plush toys. Excuses such as ‘it was there when I got here’ will only be accepted when referring to toys of a sexual nature or half-eaten chocolate bars.

6. The opening of blinds in the morning will be tolerated only with the exchange of hugs and compliments such as ‘your hair looks pretty’ or, if struggling, ‘your eyeliner is smeared and you look like road kill, but you smell better than you did yesterday.’

7. The command of ‘don’t even’ possesses holy status, and should therefore be heeded at all times.

8. CAT – Cooking Ability Tolerance. A concept involving an ongoing awareness that neither of us can cook, and any attempt at cooking anything of difficulty greater than opening a can is something done with knowledge that an end to dignity is possibly imminent. Basically, if I cook something and burn it, feel free to tease me and mock, but please eat it and keep the cringing to a minimum. Chances are I’ve burnt it out of love, or with the hope that burning it enough times will push you to the very edge, and with the cue of a string quartet, you will announce that from now on, the cooking is your job. Odds are the latter won’t happen, so let’s just both agree to ingest more bad meals than anyone should have to ingest in a lifetime simply because we love each other.

9. Think and speak clearly and honestly. Give attention and time where attention and time should be given. Communicate openly without fear of the after-effect. Love boldly every day and be bold in showing that love.

10. In this household, stupidity is both accepted and encouraged. Be proud of that time you used hand-soap as shampoo, and share that pride with the rest of the world.

11. A stormy night in this household should not be weathered alone. A night in which obvious rainfall and wind can be both heard and seen assumes an ongoing episode of cuddles for an indefinite period of time.

12. Notes can only be passed under the toilet door in the event of an extreme emergency. Such emergencies can include but are not limited to:

– Spontaneous declarations of love

– Melting plastic containers

– TV antenna crisis’ of any nature

– General complaints

– Anything that needs to be said at the time of passing

– So, in conclusion, pretty much anything

14. The bright orange-painted feature wall is what it’s called: a feature. Anyone who disrespects the feature wall, through either verbal dialect or non-verbal cues (funny looks, unnecessary staring), must be escorted out of the house immediately, even if said person lives there.

15. The feature wall is a creative space.

16. Laugh at each other’s jokes, even if they scream “recycled” or “the vomit bucket is to your left.”

17. Learn, learn, learn! Learn from the other person and allow the other person teach you. These don’t necessarily have to be talents or skills – they can be as small as bringing to light elements of your personality that you didn’t know you initially had, streaks of tenacity and strength which were always there but waiting to come out.

18. Love the other person unquestionably and to no limit, even if their farts smell like French onion.