Fifty Shades of Grey (Film Review)

I loosened my belt.
There was a burning desire between my legs.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I wished no one was around.
I bit down on my my lip.
“I can’t do it here,” I thought wildly to myself.

I desperately needed to pee.

I made two mistakes when watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Firstly, buying a ticket, and secondly, assuming that such cinematic trash would last no more than 90 minutes. However, having already spent my hard-earned 10 bucks, (we can’t all work occasionally at a hardware store and still afford an apartment), I was, much like the plot-line, determined not to go anywhere.

You can find out a lot about a man by looking through his wardrobe. This guy: Total weirdo.

You can find out a lot about a man by looking through his wardrobe. This guy: Total weirdo.

Creepy guy hits on girl… literally.
In case you have been living under a rock, which I would genuinely like to consider moving closer to, we are all now up to speed.

It was somewhere between the second appearance of a symbolic thunderstorm and another product placement of a Mac computer, that I realised, not only is my girlfriend that annoying person who checks her phone during movies, but that the entire movie can be summed up with: “But baby, I want it. Come on. You’ll like it. Just try it. …Sign here, pls.”
I have seen more depth in character when viewing Bold and the Beautiful with no sound on in my doctor’s waiting room.
I expected the creepy rich guy to murder someone, and by the end I was hoping that person would be me. They say it is a story about a tortured soul, but sadly they failed to mention that they were referring to anyone who finds themselves squirming in the movie cinema chairs. When Christian said he was going to punish her I was expecting him to make her sit through the whole film.

fifty shades 1

Many viewers found relief by bringing along a blindfold.

I mean, I’m all for feminists (provided they’re good-looking) and their views that the story might be a tad violent rather than healthy, but the important message that I, personally, will take away from this, is that it has reconfirmed what it is that I really love: Money.

Score:
1 unnecessary Rita Ora cameo out of 5

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7 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey (Film Review)

  1. This film is not about feminism, in fact it’s not about anything. It has no actual story, has unlikeable and unrealistic characters and the sex is pitiful to say the least. Well, I say that but I haven’t actually seen the film (I would only see it if a gun was pointed at me) – I’m only giving my impressions of the book which I ended up reading because I had to have tangent proof that it was utter bollocks. Also embarrassingly written in a way that made me laugh and cry all at once.
    Great post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this review! I sadly had to use the bathroom about halfway through and like an idiot I thought it would only last 90 minutes also. Two hours… it was everything I could do not to throw people down as I raced towards the restroom at the end. And unfortunately my ticket was $12. I’m just glad they didn’t play Ana as dumb as she was in the book. I got suckered into reading those things and by book two I just held on, hoping she would die, die already!

    Liked by 2 people

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