Fifty Shades of Grey (Film Review)

I loosened my belt.
There was a burning desire between my legs.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I wished no one was around.
I bit down on my my lip.
“I can’t do it here,” I thought wildly to myself.

I desperately needed to pee.

I made two mistakes when watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Firstly, buying a ticket, and secondly, assuming that such cinematic trash would last no more than 90 minutes. However, having already spent my hard-earned 10 bucks, (we can’t all work occasionally at a hardware store and still afford an apartment), I was, much like the plot-line, determined not to go anywhere.

You can find out a lot about a man by looking through his wardrobe. This guy: Total weirdo.

Creepy guy hits on girl… literally.
In case you have been living under a rock, which I would genuinely like to consider moving closer to, we are all now up to speed.

It was somewhere between the second appearance of a symbolic thunderstorm and another product placement of a Mac computer, that I realised, not only is my girlfriend that annoying person who checks her phone during movies, but that the entire movie can be summed up with: “But baby, I want it. Come on. You’ll like it. Just try it. …Sign here, pls.”
I have seen more depth in character when viewing Bold and the Beautiful with no sound on in my doctor’s waiting room.
I expected the creepy rich guy to murder someone, and by the end I was hoping that person would be me. They say it is a story about a tortured soul, but sadly they failed to mention that they were referring to anyone who finds themselves squirming in the movie cinema chairs. When Christian said he was going to punish her I was expecting him to make her sit through the whole film.

Many viewers found relief by bringing along a blindfold.

I mean, I’m all for feminists (provided they’re good-looking) and their views that the story might be a tad violent rather than healthy, but the important message that I, personally, will take away from this, is that it has reconfirmed what it is that I really love: Money.

Score:
1 unnecessary Rita Ora cameo out of 5