Horror movies are designed to shock and fill in time before the apparent Zombie Apocalypse.
After avid and countless hours of research whilst the rest of our lives fall apart, we have noted trends that appear in horror movies and, should any of these events actually take place, we have compiled data that you may be able to recall should a mad killer or monster ever be on the loose and want to acquaint itself with your flesh.
Should an horrific disaster be taking place, don’t bother wasting precious seconds grabbing clothes as you flee out the door, as you will find that your clothes will mysteriously start to strategically fall off as the drama continues.
Lesbians will always be a target. However, if you are a butch short-haired lesbian expect to have a couple of good one-liners, a little bit of ass-kicking, then ultimately be killed by some sort of male monstrosity.
Long-haired, slim, good-looking lesbians can be expected to live for the majority of the event. Kissing an equally attractive female during the chaos will help to increase your lifespan.
Your dog is probably smarter than you and fled the first second there was trouble instead of messing about with fate and answering the door at midnight or checking outside in the dark without a weapon. Let your animal run free to save itself instead of bringing its existence to the attention of the maniac. Your dog will bark and give away your location as revenge for not letting it GTFO.
Your brains may help you to be recruited to the team of the survivors, but do not be fooled, they are all blaming you for not knowing that this Apocalypse was going to happen, genius.
If your plan to stay alive works better without the single mother and the leader guy having to be involved, then you should leave them to rot. Quite frankly you are cramping their style.
Good-looking man = Safe
Overweight man = Goodbye
Remember: if you need to kill someone, just keep shooting or stabbing til they’re dead, like, for real dead. If an evil person starts openly telling you their entire plot of domination, kill them while they’re chatting. And don’t leave the knife or whatever next to them, they’re bleeding, not stupid.
Alternatively, try to lock your doors, dumb-ass. And for God’s sake, if you hear something during the night, just do what I do on most Saturday nights: just stay under the covers, cry and wait for death.
…If you are reading this, I am going to assume you are not dead and therefore this guide has served you well.