Shit My Girlfriend And I Argue About

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Over the course of our relationship, several things have come to my attention:

1) That my girlfriend still insists that she is 172cm tall when our measuring tape says she isn’t, and;

2) that often the stupidest of topics create the longest of arguments.

I have compiled a list of the top 10 arguments we have had thus far.

It’s important to note that nothing can ever be too insignificant to fight over.

1. Buying a pet:

My girlfriend had the bright (read: impulsive) idea of buying a pet to satisfy her motherly instincts. This doesn’t quite work, considering the fact we a) live in a rental property and b) are yet to prove that we can afford to feed and house ourselves. After many heated, lengthy discussions regarding this, we negotiated down (“way down,” she scoffs) to the possibility of a rabbit, as this would require the lowest level of maintenance and was roughly the size of a small dog.

To test the waters, I arranged an in-house trial to see how she would fare with an actual rabbit (rather than the utopian illusion of one.) We decided to bunny-sit a friend’s rabbit. It went a little something like this:

Day 1: Turns out rabbits shit. A lot.

I know this because not only did I have to constantly clean it up, but as I did, I was met with yells of “that stinks, clean it up!”

Day 2: “I feel sick, I think I’m allergic to rabbits”

Day 3: “When are we supposed to be giving this back?”

2 weeks later (note: rabbit was returned after day 3): “Maybe we should try and babysit the rabbit again…”

2. Baked Beans

I bought a bulk supply of baked beans knowing that they last for ages, and that we were going to most likely use them at some point. They were dramatically discounted because they were Australia day themed, and Australia day had long passed. I would like to point out here that other than the packaging, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BEANS.

She disagrees, and makes a special effort to buy a new can of baked beans every time we shop. Holding up the can of beans with a hopeful look in her eyes, she says “can we?”
No, wait… that was a dream. She just puts it straight in the trolley. It’s not even like she is buying a different flavour of beans, in fact, they are exactly the same (same company and brand), less the festive holiday packaging.

If there were a can of baked beans for every time we argued about it… it’d be Australia day all over again.

3. Naming of pets we haven’t yet bought

The discussion began lightly with small banter about what children’s names we do and don’t like, but then progressed to a fierce and dramatic debate over possible pet names. After mutually deciding that “Greg,” “Sharon” and other human names weren’t feasible possibilities, it seemed as though we were taking steps forward in our partnership.

Then she said it.

“Tinkerbell.”

4. Hypothetical questions

I’m a big fan of hypothetical questions. I think they encourage deeper thought and an open style of conversation that is hard to sustain with regular small talk. Thus far, my girlfriend has shat on every single hypothetical question I have ever asked her, completely refusing to answer them or destroying them with her “logic.”

Exhibit A:

“Okay, imagine this… ”
“No.”

“So there’s a boatload of people… you don’t know them, they could be anyone… criminals, maniacs… like proper maniacs, but you don’t know… and in the room… no wait, on another boat there’s a small child, but you can only save one boat from sinking… who do you save and why?”

“When is this ever going to happen? Honestly?”

“It’s hypothetical!”

“Yeah, but come on… it’s stupid because I’m supposed to save the child, right? But honestly, I don’t care about any of these people cause they’re not real.”
“But what if they were?”
…*silence*

5. Dish-washing

It’s too stupid. I don’t even know why it is even on this list. We all know how to wash dishes, right? Well, apparently not. My girlfriend never learnt. It’s not that she doesn’t do it, it’s just that she has the most inefficient, poor excuse of a method that I have ever seen. I mean… they do end up clean, but do you really have to squirt dish-washing liquid on every plate, cup, bowl, knife and fork before you call it a day?

6. Beauty appliances left on bathroom sink counter

We share a bathroom, I use the term ‘sharing’ loosely because I’m yet to see the counter top. This isn’t surprising as I get about 30 straight seconds in there every day. I don’t have a problem with using the counter top space when you are actually occupying the bathroom, but I find myself having to move a blow-dryer, straightener and some brown liquid in a bottle just to wash my hands. Thankfully I have been allocated one drawer and one shelf in the medicine cabinet where I can put my things away.

God forbid it should take up some space on the her counter top.

7. Getting up for breakfast

This seems to be a recurring argument. Every morning.

She fails to respect the fact that I consider breakfast to be a time of day that is made for sharing, because when I try and (gracefully, might I add) wake her in the morning, her only response is that she wants “to sleep.”

I’ve tried to ween her onto this ludicrous idea of a communal breakfast by actually bringing her breakfast in bed. She seems to have no recollection of this, instead choosing to remember (and I quote): “That? That morning you shoved a plate of food in my face?”

I once ate breakfast alone. Apparently she didn’t like that either because the banging of pots and slamming of the microwave door woke her up. Impossible.

8. Using the washing machine for one set of clothes

Much like her dish-washing technique, my girlfriend thinks that washing machines should be filled one outfit at a time. As I wait with my basket of dirty laundry, I helplessly watch her load the washing machine with one t-shirt and a bra. 76 minutes later, I’m asked to help her put the washing out.

After finally awaiting my turn to use the machine, I arrive to find that she has used to last of the laundry liquid.

9. Board shorts

It’s not that she’s not allowed to wear them, it’s that she shouldn’t.

She considers them equal to pants, like some would consider a port-a-loo equal to a toilet.

To make it clear, I don’t have a problem with shorts. Only board shorts.

I can do denim, I can even do potato sack. But board. Oh god, not board shorts.

10. Which arguments deserved a spot in this list.

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